Norrm's Diary

My name is Norrms and I was diagnosed with Alzheimer's at the age of 50 (early onset) and I am now only 52,

After the Diagnosis

Eventually after the pleasantries the doctor said the results had shown a lack of Oxygen flowing on my left hand side of the brain, even less flowing on the right side of the brain but more worryingly much less flowing over the top of my brain which in itself was a sure sign of mild to moderate Alzheimer's.

When he told me I just laughed and said, can you repeat the last bit again please? But as Elaine gave my hand a squeeze I knew I already knew the answer. It went so quiet and I knew I couldn't look at my beautiful wife just yet as the tears would have flooded out. "I'm only 51 I blurted out! How? Why? When? All this was coming into my head but no words were leaving my mouth. I turned and looked at Elaine; she had tears in her eyes.

The only thing that ever upsets me is when one of my family is upset, I feel their hurt and cry their tears, I want to protect them all so much and keep them safe but when they are hurting I feel so helpless. Our hands gripped tighter as the doctor explained that there was a drug on the market called "Exelon" and even though it only had a 25% chance of slowing this awful thing down it had to be worth a try.

The ride home in the car was a very quiet one and as I don't drive I knew Elaine was trying to concentrate on driving instead of what we had just been told. On getting home we fell into each other s arms and cried so hard we thought there would be no fluid left in our bodies, then Elaine being Elaine looked me squarely in the eyes and said " Right !! That's that, now, what are we going to do about it!! . We both laughed so hard you would have thought we were both completely mad, not just me!! .

It was decided to tell all our immediate family straight away as I thought that at least if they know from early on they will have time to get used to their Dad, Grandad going slowly round the bend!!

Telling my children/grandchildren how much I loved them and always will was very easy for me; it was the reason behind it that wasn't.

The  Future

It's been a few months now since I started taking the "Exelon" but I still have what I call my "Cloudy Days". This is when I find it hard to coordinate anything I do, I can't get my words out and as for the computer, well, and that's a complete no. Whatever I write and no matter how hard concentrate I still write gibberish but the thing is when I'm typing it all seems perfectly normal to me!!

Lately I have forgotten what day it is and even when I've looked at a calendar it still made no sense. Then yesterday while I was out for our usual ride out I was convinced it was the year 2006 and had very little memory of anything else since then for a short while until most of it came back. This is a sure sign that the Exelon isn't working as I know it should have kicked in by now. This disease is horrifying as it eats away at your self confidence bit by bit. It's like having two illness's, Alzheimer's and knowing you have Alzheimer's. I know that one day I won't  be able to look after myself and all the trials will be on my darling Elaine which makes me feel guilty enough but do you know what the worse thing is? Knowing I might not be able to recognises the love of my life and all my children/grandchildren. It's heartbreaking.

Am I frightened? YES very much so, but I am happy in the knowledge that I have raised a loving kind family who will stand by my side till the end. And I am also very lucky to have a large social network of worldwide friends who I will also be very grateful for their friendship and correspondence.

The only advice I could give to anybody who finds themselves in my unfortunate position is try to get help early on, the earlier the better,  don't be afraid of telling people, you are ill, not Mad but more importantly smile and laugh at it or it would truly drive you insane!!

How long I have left before I have to give the computer up? Only the "Big Fella" upstairs knows but I would just like to take this opportunity in saying the biggest THANK YOU to everybody and I will cherish all the memories I have of you as long as possible, yours forever your friend,

Norrms (real name Norman)

I Will Survive

I wake each morning and open my eyes
Trying to remember where I am,
Sitting at the edge of the bed,
Remembering what I can,
Sometimes I sit with head in hands,
Thinking this is just a dream,
But then I look around me,
Is normality what is seems?
I have this urge within my heart,
And it tells me to stay strong,
But then my mind takes over,
And I realise somethings wrong,
What day is it? What time is it?
Is this really where I live?
I still have so many things to do,
I have so much to give,
What time do I have left?
No one really knows,
How many more glorious summers?
How many winter snows?
But there's one thing that I'll say,
I will always have the drive,
To go forward and to conquer,
I promise I will Survive

Losing Touch with Reality

Seeing shapes and figures, appearing here and there,
Hearing familiar voices, shouting without care,
Voices I haven't heard for, forever and a day,
Straining to hear, exactly what they say
Even though I know, that the voices that I hear,
Aren't really there, yet they feel so near,
I knew this day would come, it's happening right now,
How long will it be, before I don't remember how?
I arrived in the street or find myself in town,
With nothing on my feet and feeling really down,
Alzheimer's disease, and all that it entails,
It is soul destroying, and it never fails,
To bring you to your knees, it eats away at you,
and the worst is the knowing, there's nothing you can do,
I know I have entered, yet another stage,
And so life goes on, I've turned another page,
So if I disappear one day, never to come back,
Please don't ever think, its backbone that I lack,
But that my epic battle, I fight each and everyday,
Has not ended how I wanted, but gone the other way.

ANOTHER Day in Paradise

As bed time approached last night I knew I was in for a bad night. The "Clouds" that invade my brain were coming thick and fast and I seemed to lose a certain sense of reality. I was thankful it was bedtime, albeit an hour earlier than I usually go to sleep. I saw my darling wife looking at me and could see the hurt in her eyes as I knew, that she knew, what was happening so off to bed I toddled. As I lay there my thoughts always seem to drift back to when I was younger and sometimes I can smell the freshly cut grass from the local park I used to play football on when I was a lad, or the pies being baked daily from Kirks Ye Old Pasty Shoppe just down the road from where I lived, all gone now, a very long time ago...

I have trouble sleeping because my legs don't seem to be my own and the only way I can explain it , it's like I myself am outside looking in. Eventually, half an hour after my darling wife has come to bed I finally drop off to sleep, only for the nightly nightmares to start. They never let up, as I close my eyes they start and only stop when I get up in the morning, they are constant and reliably regular, does anybody out there suffer these same as me?? Answers on a post card please!!

The morning brings a welcome respite from the bad dreams and I don't feel that bad today.

We decide to go for a ride over Dartmoor as the sun is shining and the weather is warming up. I don't drive thankfully and never have but I am lucky as my wife loves driving. As we pass through Ashbourton (Gateway to the moors) I ask my wife if we have ever been this way over Dartmoor before. With sadness in her voice she says "Many times" but I reply HEY!! Why so sad? This is beautiful countryside and the ONE saving grace of this illness is I can look and wonder at the views as it was my first time!!  so please don't be sad. We laugh! In fact we do a lot of laughing, together forever with three grown up children and eight grandchildren and a great grandchild on the way (yes I am only 51, so you work the maths out!! ) it's the best way to cope with this dreaded illness. We stop where the view is at its best and near a herd of wild Dartmoor ponies munching away on the gorse. Silence descends as we take in all that's around us and for a brief moment I think about all the people in the towns and cities nearby who are just getting on with their daily lives ( As they should) not knowing something like my illness could be just around the corner for them. My heart pounds as i feel so guilty at thinking his but I also feel so sorry for them and hope they never experience anything like my family and I have had to.

What I thought was only a moment's lapse of concentration turned out to be some kind of Catatonic trance and my wife had been trying to talk to me for about ten minutes without reply until eventually she gently nudged my arm and brought me back to reality. If this does happen to anyone you know with the big "A" please be gentle with them as they don't realise they are doing it and shouting really doesn't help!!

After lunch and coffee we eventually arrive home only to find I had left the front door open!! I thought I was doing well!!  And yes the love of my life gives me that knowing look, I shrug my shoulders and again we arrived home laughing. Thankfully we live in a street that has been frozen in time and we still wave and talk to all our neighbours!!

So all in all a good day was had. We take each day as it comes and try to do what we can when we can.

I Haven't Got The Plague

As I walked through town today, I saw a friendly face,
But as he walked towards me, he then walked past with pace,
I'm sure that he had seen me, and saw my friendly wave,
I've only got Alzheimer's, and not Bubonic plague,
Why do people treat me so, why are they so cruel,
I'm just the same as them, not some bumbling fool,
Some are friends I have known, all my working life,
Who used to chat and laugh, to both me and my wife,
But now most of them act, as if I don't exist,
And all the good times that we had, are just a distant mist,
I still laugh and I still cry, and still know that they're there,
Even when they ignore me, without a fleeting care,
But at least I know now, who really are my friends,
And ones that I can trust, right up to the end,
So those friends I have lost, I say to one and all,
I hope the dementia demon, never comes to call,

Explaining To Mum

My mum's just turned eighty and I'm fifty one,
And I've always tried to be a good son,
But this was hard, coming from me,
Trying to explain that I've got AD,
Shouldn't it be the other way round?
She said to me with a frown,
I'm glad it's not I said to her,
That would be too much to bear,
She has the cancer; it's at stage four,
Life has nearly closed its door,
So there I was with teary eyes,
Explaining all between the sighs

Telling her I'd be ok,
And to live our lives from day to day,
When all was said, I looked at her,
So full of love, so full of care,
I knew then the job was done,
Just want to say,
I love you mum.